"I drink good coffee every morning, comes from a place that's far away...and when I'm done, I feel like talking. Without you here, there is less to say." ~Colin Hay (Garden State 'Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You')
Yesterday, August 24th at 12:30 pm, I put my sweet angel, Holly to sleep after 15 precious years together (She was 16 1/2 years old). After my two weeks in Paris, I returned to find that the same cancer that took her leg almost two years ago had now manifest as a tumor in her tummy.
I am (and always will be) eternally grateful to Holly for breaking my heart wide open in love. It was from her, as a small child at 8 years old, that I first learned Unconditional LOVE....that I first wondered about soul mates (and if they could possibly ever manifest as a furry little kitty with white paws and a persistent meow).
She followed me everywhere. Even when she was outside...she'd track me through the windows from room to room. When I was a child, she used to follow me 3 blocks down to my friends house and wait for me on the corner until it was time for me to walk back home. If we were out late at night, she parked herself on the peak of the roof looking over the driveway... waiting for first glimpse of our car.
She was my steady ship, my trusty sense of family when the foundations seemed to be crumbling around me.
In college, she "talked" to me over the phone (and rubbed her head against the receiver, as reported by my mother).
She taught me responsibility.
She taught me compassion.
She was pure and forgiving, beautiful and endless.
When I had pneumonia this winter, she lay on my chest all day and all night.
When she had cancer, I kissed her belly and the bottoms of her paws.
She slept on the foot of my bed. We fell asleep in the sun out in the rocking chairs on the porch. We watched movies together...napped together... We drove around together and shared filet mignon and chicken and tuna sandwhiches at the table overlooking the ocean. We played hide-and-seek: under the barbecue, under the bridge, in my closet. We did tarot readings together (hers, always the more enlightened and promising of the two of us)
We spent the entire summer together.
I am grateful for our time together and for her love.
She has always been there.
But I am a gaping hole... an 8 year-old-child suddenly without her best friend. My eyes still automatically scan for her every time I come home...mistaking a small pile of leaves under the table for her curled up sleeping form, a waving plant for a twitching tail. It's like I can't go to sleep until I hear the 'pop' of the wet-food can every night.
I'm afraid to forget the sound of her meow as she answered my questions... how she loved to smell flowers...the way she snored in her new bed so loud we couldn't hear the televeision half the time...
The way she trustingly relaxed in my arms and over my shoulders... the security in her hugs. The heat of her soft body in my lap. The roll of her purr against my hands as she rested her head for a nap. The way her coat smelled like fresh-cut grass.
Thank you... all those who knew and loved her. To those who cared for her (especially when things got messy at the end). Those who have sent kind words and hugs. Thank you to all those laps I have poured my tears into these past 36 hours. And all those I will pour into in the near future. My only hope is to embody HALF the joy, unconditional Love, and radiance in my lifetime that this precious cat inspired in hers. I miss you Holly bear. You are my sunshine.
